When I created my baby registry, I didn’t pay too much attention to baby bottles because I wasn’t going to need them for a while. I was going to exclusively breastfeed and would eventually get around to bottles once I needed to go back to work. I packed my hospital bag with all the things I needed to be ready for all of the breastfeeding I was going to do.

Nursing bras? Check

Lanolin cream? Check

Mamma’s tea and cookies? Check

Nursing pillow? Check

Pump ordered, delivered, cleaned? Check

Formula just in case? No. Why would I need formula? I was going to exclusively breast feed!

We took a 5 hours orientation class in the hospital where we were delivering and they painted a very sweet picture of birth and the hour after: I will push my baby out and they will immediately place him on my stomach. He will naturally crawl up to find my breast and start feeding. Could not be easier.

Oh boy, how wrong was I. Let me count the ways!

I had a challenging delivery with some hick ups, to say the least. Because I had gestational diabetes, I was induced two days before my due date and everything seemed to be going well because my water broke within an hour of induction. That’s when the “going well” stopped and after about 17 hours of laboring, I had an unplanned c-section. Not the end of the world, but c-sections happen, and honestly after not eating for so long, when my Doctor said “we’ll get you a nice breakfast right after,” I was like “sign me up!” Everything went very well during the c-section and we had a very healthy baby boy. They took him, along with my husband, to another room while they stitched me up. I couldn’t wait to hold my baby and try this magical thing they call breastfeeding!

Within an hour, I was wheeled into where my baby boy was and he was placed into my arms- sure, not the exact picture I imagined, but still, let the breastfeeding begin! As I was holding my son and trying to get him to latch, the nurses were checking my vitals and my blood pressure was 186… they suspected preeclampsia, and a blood test confirmed it. I started getting a headache and it seemed like this was serious, but I was just trying to breastfeed my son, with absolutely zero luck. Within minutes, plans were made to move me to an antipartum room for an IV of magnesium to bring down my blood pressure. This meant I’d be there for 24 hours and my baby would be taken away into the nursery overnight. None of this was covered in the birthing class, or the articles I read. My doctor was just as surprised as I was because post birth preeclampsia is extremely rare and in my case, came out of nowhere.

We spent a total of 5 days in the hospital, and you best believe there was a hospital grade pump by my side at all times, along with numerous visits from lactation specialist and dedicated nurses who patiently tried and tried and tried to help me with the breastfeeding, but it wasn’t working out. I attended a breastfeeding class while in the hospital and the specialist said to smell my baby and think about him and the milk will come; just like that! But in reality, I didn’t have milk so J wasn’t interested in my offer of breastfeeding. Typically babies don’t need to be fed the first 24 hours so it’s okay to not have milk right away and keep trying, but he was a diabetes baby and his sugar dropped below normal levels within 12 hours of birth so we had no choice but to give him formula. I don’t blame him for not being super dedicated to latching on to nothing when there was a wealth of food coming his way every 2-3 hours from a bottle 😂 Needless to say, I left the hospital without having a single moment of success with breastfeeding, but I wasn’t going to give up so easily!

Over the next two weeks, I pumped and tried and cried and pumped again. I wasn’t getting milk so I had to make the decision to stop trying. J by this point was drinking formula and growing by the day. His pediatrician confirmed what we already knew; he was perfect. The day I decided to stop was very heartbreaking for me; I felt like I somehow failed and didn’t uphold my end of what it means to be a Mom. I started sharing with a few friends who are Moms and it seemed like they all said how difficult it was for them and same goes for other Mom’s they knew. I was genuinely shocked! For some, that perfect picture I had in my mind of how breastfeeding was going to go is reality, but for so many, it is not. I cannot tell you the heartbreak I felt, but if you experienced this too, I don’t have to tell you because you already know. Breastfeeding is so amazing and a miracle, and that is often the only message we get. The part about it being painful, exhausting, mentally difficult or impossible is something I learned only after the fact. I wish this wasn’t the case; that is the reason why I am sharing. I recently did a poll on Instagram and 64% of respondents said they struggled with breastfeeding. Just knowing that can empower others to be realistic about their expectations and not be so hard on themselves when things don’t go according to plan.

For a long time afterwards, I felt like I had to explain myself when people automatically assumed I was breastfeeding and I had to tell them I wasn’t. It always made me feel like I failed somehow, especially when people asked if I tried this or that to get milk (and people loved to offer advice on what I must not have done). The reality is breastfeeding is great, but fed is best. Based on my experience, I truthfully don’t know that I will even try to breastfeed with our next baby… this is such a personal choice. In hindsight, of coarse I know I didn’t fail as a Mother and there is zero negative impact on my child. Had I known then what I know now, I wouldn’t have cried so much and if would’ve been “no milk? No problem, moving on.” If a Mom breastfeeds for a week, a month, a year- that’s great! If a Mom doesn’t breastfeed by choice or lack of supply- formula nowadays is healthy and full of nutrients. My point? It is a personal matter and the pressures we are placed under to fit a cookie cutter mold is adding to an already stressful transition into our new role as mothers. One is not better than the other- there are no medals regardless of what you do. Next time you’re inclined to offer up advice to a Mom on matters of breastfeeding (or really, anything) pause and ask yourself “did she ask for advice?” If the answer is no, my recommendation is to tread lightly and offer a listening/supporting ear instead.

The plus side to having a formula fed baby? We all slept… a lot. He was always full and slept around the clock. Night feedings were easy because I wasn’t the source of food so my husband was able to get up and prepare him a bottle. I was also able to leave the house for more than 2+ hours at a time if I wanted and going back to work was logistically easy.

Regardless of what you decide, let it be because that’s what works best for you and not because it’s what is expected of you. Like I said above, there are no medals and a happy, healthy Mom is best. I am not advocating for one or the other; rather, I am putting out there that some of the ideals society creates are flawed.

Right before induction began- so naive 😆