The first time I went to therapy, a few years before we had a baby, the psychiatrist listened to me for a few minutes and said “you’re angry.”

I was shocked. Me? Angry? What? You’re joking, right? I am the opposite of angry; very easy going, forgiving, do really well under pressure, etc.. Sure, I love a good debate and can get heated. But angry? LOL.

The truth is, I was angry, I just didn’t know it. I always thought anger was shown through shouting and throwing things around, but in reality, anger can come out in many ways. In my case, it was the cause of my fragile emotional state. I cried easily and often. I struggled with insecurities and confidence. I relied heavily on those around me for approval and my self worth. You wouldn’t be able to see it from the outside- I appeared confident and put together. But here I was, in my mid 20’s still struggling with the same things I struggled with as a teenager. You see, the trauma we experience growing up digs deep and roots into our being and even though we aren’t always aware of its impact, the damage is done. I didn’t realize that sometimes when I cried (which was often), my tears were a manifestation of anger. I vividly remember crying in moments when I felt powerless, when I felt I had no choice in the matter at hand, when I felt defenseless. Moments where anger would have been appropriate; and not the sinful anger we have been raised to be afraid of- but the type of anger that empowers you, specifically in social settings.

“Good” anger can help us read and respond to upsetting social situations*, which, when done correctly, can be empowering. For example, you are in a meeting at work and a colleague says something that makes you feel uncomfortable or diminishes your contribution. It angers you. But instead of speaking out, you hold it in. The result? When you’re alone you break down in tears and feel diminished, defeated, etc. Your anger turned into tears and with each tear drop, you lose a little bit of power. Another example is you’re out with a group of friends and someone makes a joke at your expense. Or leaves you out of plans. Or makes a hurtful comment about an idea you have. The list goes on and on and on. Sure, the other person was wrong, but you can’t control them. You can only control YOUR response- and the wrong one can be detrimental to you. Sounds dramatic- but this is what my experience was. When we believe that anger can ONLY be bad- we refrain from expressing our anger in GOOD and healthy ways, which for me resulted in many tears and a loss of confidence and self esteem. The anger we rightfully feel in situations above, when not expressed in a healthy way, is internalized and turned into resentment, hate, fear, insecurity, feelings of worthlessness, and the list goes on.

Learning this was REVOLUTIONARY. I learned to pay close attention to moments that caused me to feel anger and made decisions about how to react- either I said something OR I didn’t, but I knew I had a choice. Having the option to chose how I reacted was SO freeing. This realization led to the best few years of my life professionally and personally. My confidence skyrocketed because suddenly, I felt in control and I was responsible for my emotions. I spoke up in situations I felt the need to, I advocated for myself, I went for the opportunities I wanted because I knew I was capable. I wasn’t giving power over my emotions to anyone but myself.

So imagine my surprise when one of the biggest impacts postpartum depression had on me was once again, turning my anger into tears instead of words. My emotional state reverted back to that of my teenage self. I became a shell of my former confident self. When in therapy treatment for my PPD, my therapist said that sometimes, when our mind faces something traumatic (childbirth this time around), it tends to revert to the state it knows and is comfortable with. Just like when we are tired and stressed, we tend to start slouching and end up with a sore back, our mind bounces back to what it knows. My mind spent more time being insecure and fragile than it did being confident, and so it wasn’t surprising that some of the emotions I experienced within PPD were those I felt in my earlier years. Because I had done about two years of work to address this before, I knew if I just did the work this time around, I’d get better (the actual work to get better took me about a year. It was NOT easy- but effective).

I am not a professional, and this is not professional advice. It’s just my personal journey. But I know for a fact that we all have our own version of things that take away our power and chip away at our confidence. Don’t let another day go by without addressing it and taking your power.

Some might think going to therapy is odd, unnecessary, conflicting with how they were raised or for the weak. I grew up in a community that didn’t believe in mental health or that depression was real. Depression was typically written off as demon possession or the result of not praying enough. I’m not sure if that’s still the case now- I’ve been removed from that community for many years. Regardless of what your community believes- you have the right to decide what’s right for you. Depression is NOT demon possession! Your mind is an organ, just like your heart is. No one would say a heart attack was the result of demon possession- so why is the health of our mind so easily written off? Some may disagree– but as I said above– I love a good debate 😉

A great book my therapist recommended that discusses a lot of the above is The Dance of Anger by Herriet Lerner. I highly recommend it. It’s a bit old– but still relevant.

*The Upside of Your Darkside by Todd Kashdan and Robert Biswas-Diener