There are moments when I feel like I have not done enough and I start to get so hard on myself. But when I actually pause and think about my day, I can’t believe I somehow did as much as I did. I’m am not 100% sure why I withhold guilt free rest, or why I feel like I must constantly go, go, go…but it’s a thing and I know I am not the only one.

Today, for example, I woke up and had to get my son semi-ready for school and get myself ready. His sitter was coming over and she’d dress him and take him to school, but I made sure he had food, his school bag was packed, teeth and hair brushed, outfit picked out. I got myself ready, made coffee (in a French Press of all things), packed my running stuff in addition to my breakfast and lunch, fed our fish and was out the door by 7:30am. I worked a full day until 4pm, ran a 5K on my way home, took my son to the playground for 1.5 hours, came home and made dinner (salmon, potatoes and a salad), packed breakfasts and lunch for tomorrow, cleaned the kitchen, fed my sourdough starter, walked the dog, got my son ready for bed and hopped in the shower. As I was packing lunch, I thought to myself “ugh, I was going to send a few emails (job search type) and I wanted to start a puzzle…why haven’t I done it?” Only once I got into the shower did I think…huh, I kinda did a lot today, so it’s okay if I just get in bed and watch some TV (and yet here I am typing away). I don’t always realize just how productive I am because I tend to minimize my accomplishments, no matter how big or small, and I chose not to be the “star” of the show (even thought deep down I think I want to be and I’d be good at it).

There was a time when I could not sit at home and not be busy- I always had FOMO (fear of missing out) and felt like time spent at home “resting” was time wasted. This was amplified even more in the first few months of becoming a Mom and contributed to my postpartum depression, which Covid actually helped because suddenly everyone was at home and I wasn’t “missing out.” I would think “if only I could do this…or that…I’d feel better.” During that time, I also had bouts of social anxiety and waited for people to reach out to me to make plans, because I’d get too stressed if I had to make plans, so a bad combination all around. But over time (and lots of therapy), and just generally embracing life and finding joy in the little things, I’ve learned to embrace the quiet and have, at times, craved rest and alone time. The key is to listen to what your mind and body need and not ignore it. It’s also a shift in perspective and believing that you are worthy of rest and taking a pause on all the “I wish, I should have, I could have.” I think running has grounded me a lot because it’s hard not to feel productive after a run, and it also provides lots of discipline. A shift in perspective doesn’t come overnight- it is something that has to be practiced over and over and over until it becomes the norm. It’s okay to be a busy bee one day and not do a single thing but get off your couch for food and bathroom the next; I think the problem is when you do too much of one and not enough of the other. Being hyperactive can lead to burnout and becoming a couch potato can lead to depression and feeling “blue.”

Maybe it’s living in NYC, where we move at least 10X faster than anyone else, and casual brunch conversation typically centers around accomplishments at work, travel, etc. Maybe it was the way I grew up; a different church activity every single day, and if you missed one without a valid reason, you felt guilty, like you did something wrong. Whatever the root cause of this feeling of “not doing enough” is, I am reminding myself that I am enough, regardless of how busy my calendar looked that day. I am reminding myself that I live a life full of joy and laughter. I am reminding myself that at the end of the day, I am grateful because I live the life I prayed for.