Everything in life seems to be cyclical…new things become old, just to be new again. We make a mistake, vow not to ever make it again…you guessed it, just to make it again. That’s life, and we either embrace it or we pretend like this isn’t us and continue living a life of oblivion while making the same mistakes again and again and again, but calling them new. And no, this post isn’t about some grand mistake that I made and how I’ve learned so much from it. This post is more of a reflection on the repeating patterns in life and how I hope, with wisdom that comes with age, I can use what I’ve learned from the past to forge a better future.

I remember being an awkward teenager, in my bell-bottom jeans and light blue sparkly eyeshadow, thinking about the future and what I wanted my life to look like, to feel like. I was always drawn to movies like The Devil Wears Prada and shows like Ugly Betty, both based in NYC and both showcased an “underdog” main character who blossoms into a confident, independent strong woman and gets to live out their life happily ever after. I grew up in a conservative community where life was pretty predictable, but I knew, deep inside, I was going to be different. I wanted to be different and I struggled to truly fit in to the mold of my community. Fast forward to 2009 and my moment finally arrived- I graduated from college and moved to my dream city- New York City. The “underdog” version of me was still very much there; I didn’t feel confident, I had very little money, knew even less people, and wasn’t entering the career of my dreams, but nonetheless, I was doing it. I officially had my name attached to an address in Manhattan, and I couldn’t be happier. My happiness multiplied when I married my now husband 14 months later and we continued living our dream in Brooklyn, where we are to this day (just three apartments, 2 dogs, a fish and a toddler later). So, where is the “cyclical” connection? Well here I am, with flared jeans (lets be real, they are the 2023 version of bell bottoms), a slightly more age-appropriate shade of eyeshadow, but back to thinking about my future and what I want my life to look like, to feel like.

Don’t get me wrong. Life as I’ve know it since I moved to NYC in 2009 has been pretty great. Over the last almost 15 years, I’ve managed to find the best of friends, building up our village with people we love and who love us. I have advanced in my career and done some things I’m pretty proud of and learned a bunch of things in the process, have traveled with my husband, and now our toddler. We’ve built a life for ourselves that is filled with lots of joy, accomplishments and adventures. So why am I back to the “start” and thinking about my future? I guess because 15 years is a good time to pause, reflect and realign. So, what is it that I want from my life?

The teenage version of me wanted to be independent, live in NYC, have control over my life decisions, find love, travel. I was willing to take shortcuts and do whatever it took to get me to the above— for example, I didn’t plan to go into education. I wanted to be a high powered executive on Wall St., wearing four inch heels and commanding a board room. At the time I was graduating, finance was difficult to get into (helloooo 2008 stock market crash), but I also had zero of the confidence required to pursue that dream. I had major imposter syndrome (still do at times) and struggled to form an “elevator pitch” to highlight my strengths and get noticed. But because I knew NYC was where I belonged, I did what so many college grads did at that time; I applied and got into NYC Teaching Fellows because it was a guaranteed job and a guaranteed way to move to NYC. Over the years, education turned out to be a passion and I used the skills that would’ve worked on Wall St. and advanced into a leadership position that has brought me fulfillment for many years. But as I approach 15 years since this dream began, I can’t help but think about the next 15 years. What do I want them to look like? What do I want them to feel like?

Whereas the teenage version of me was willing to take shortcuts and do whatever it took, the adult version of me is a bit more cautious and realistic. Life is not a multi-million dollar Hollywood production, but those 15 years have brought with them some wisdom, lessons learned and perspective. The teenage version of me focused on the “look” part more— the heels, the power suits, the coffee in hand as I enter the elevator of a high rise to my corner office. The adult version of me is focused more on the “feel” part— what are the things that bring me joy? Where do I find peace? Who causes me to laugh until my sides hurt and I have tears of joy in my eyes? What is and is not worth it? What takes away my peace and joy? And when I do think of the “look” part, I see myself feeling joy, peace, laughing with my friends and family, watching J discover the world around him. I think what 15 years have taught me is the importance of finding joy and peace separate from my career and the things society makes us believe are most important. It’s a slow journey of self discovery, accepting when it’s time to move on and letting go of the “look” and embracing the “feel.”

I am in a season of change, self re-discovery, and being honest about my goals and dreams…and that brings me joy.