Mom guilt.

I hate that phrase. Anyone who is a mom knows that mom guilt comes with the territory- the moment your first baby is born, you are surrounded by those two words, whether you like it or not.

I admit, I’ve had my share of mom guilt and still struggle with it at times. The weekend before going back to work, I experienced a wave. The first day of dropping him off at daycare while still working from home, it was there. Every once in a while when I am gone from home for a few hours, I feel it. But, I have made a conscious effort from day one not to allow it get in the way of my life, even if I do feel it. This feels a bit taboo to say, but I’m going to say it anyways. I, a Mom, refuse to give into mom guilt.

Let me share a little more.

My son was born in mid April of 2019 and within 3.5 weeks, I had a solo shopping trip while he was home with Dad. Not long after that, we left him with Grandma and celebrated a friends birthday. I was back to work 8 weeks after giving birth and when he was around 2 months old when my husband and I had our first post baby date night (late night movie- terrible idea. Both fell asleep within minutes). Leaving my son home with Dad came very easily for me from the start, however as I started to share this with others, I was usually (90% of the times) met with the question that us Moms know all too well: “don’t you feel so guilty leaving him?” At first I’d say “yes of coarse” because it felt like the thing I was supposed to say. Sometimes I’d blatantly say “no” and other times I’d ask myself “is something wrong with me? Should I feel more guilty?” There were times I’d start feeling guilty BECAUSE someone suggested that I “must feel so guilty” for leaving him. As time went on, the idea of mom guilt started to really frustrate me and well, I am who I am, so I’m sharing my frustrations with you.

1. If there is mom guilt, there should naturally be dad guilt… right? Except there isn’t. I’ve never heard of the term “dad guilt” and I doubt I ever will. When Dad leaves his child for the first time alone with Mom, no one says “you must feel so guilty!” Instead, they say things like “congratulations on becoming a father!” And “welcome back to work!” If my husband isn’t expected to feel guilty, why am I?

2. I love my career and genuinely enjoy being a working Mom. After crying for a little bit about having to go back to work, Monday morning came and I. Was. Ready. Heels on, hair done, dress ready to go; I felt like a million bucks. Yes, I just had major surgery to have a child removed from my body 8 weeks prior, but my mental health was so fragile that being back at work-a place I KNEW I was successful in and KNEW what I was doing- was such a blessing. I did not feel guilty. But according to almost everyone I spoke to that day, week, etc, I should have felt guilty. The accomplishment of returning to work was overshadowed by the guilt I was supposed to feel.

3. Mom guilt keeps so many women from healing mentally and physically after going through the life changing, and often traumatic, experience of child birth. It is no secret- I was not okay mentally for a WHILE after I became a Mom, and even though leaving the house alone without baby and husband gave me anxiety at times and made me feel fragile, it also made me mentally stronger. Going shopping alone that first time brought me so much joy. I felt more like myself and the practice of leaving home made me feel like eventually, I would find myself again.

4. Mom guilt can be a thief of bonding time for Dad and his child. The first time I left the two of them together, I worried and asked questions like “do you know when to feed him?” “What time are you going to put him down for a nap?” The reality is, if my husband asked me those questions when he was leaving home, I’d be hurt. What do you mean do I know when to feed him? Of coarse! I’m his parent! So why was I doing this to my husband? Because in the back of my head, there was this thing I grew up with- the notion that Mom was the “main” parent. I stopped worrying about my husbands ability to be a parent when I left home. He was going to figure it out, just like I did. And he did! These days, my husband asks me to make my own plans so he can have time alone with our son. And let me tell you- the feeling of hearing the door slam behind me as I walk towards whatever plans I have that day is so good. I can feel my energy tank begin to refill and I know when I come back home, I will be a happier and stronger Mamma to my boy.

Granted- this is very different for a breastfeeding Mom- especially the first few months.

5. Mom guilt does not make you a better mom. In fact, I’m willing to go on record and say it keeps you from being the best mom you can be! It is a proven fact that alone time, date night, time with friends (notice all things without baby/kids) help with mood stabilization after birth. Avoiding self care because you feel guilty leaving your kids contributes to exhaustion, burn out, depression, anxiety, rage, resentment, etc. You HAVE to address your needs as an individual! After all, being a Mom is only *part* of your identity. To the Mom living with guilt- I promise you, your kids are going to be okay that one night a week/month you leave them. The question is, are you going to be okay if you don’t?

6. Mom guilt can lead to resentment of your spouse/partner. This isn’t “scientifically” proven, but the evidence is all there. Resentment is a very common symptom of postpartum depression, but one doesn’t have to have PPD to feel resentful. It could be because your partner seems to have all the alone time they want and you don’t. Maybe they work and are gone all day while you’re home with the kids. It could be many things. But the question I urge you to ask is “do I not have alone time/friend time/etc. because our current life circumstances prevent me from having this time” OR “do I not have alone time/friend time/etc. because I feel too guilty leaving my kids?” I challenge you to reflect and answer that question honestly. If the answer is the later- for your own sake, please schedule time for yourself, sans kids, immediately. It doesn’t need to be anything special- but it needs to happen. There are no medals and no gold stars for giving all of yourself to your kid(s) 24/7.

A few next steps:

1. When you feel Mom guilt- pause to reflect the source, the trigger, etc. Why is it there?

2. Before you change/cancel plans because of Mom guilt- pause and reflect on your energy tank. Is it on empty or nearing empty?

3. Ask yourself “does my husband/partner feel this way too when he leaves me with our child?”

4. Remind yourself that your child loves to spend time with Dad, Grandpa/ma, Aunt, Uncle, sitter, etc. They get to practice bonding with another person, learn new things and if they’re with grandpa/ma, they’ll probably get all the sugar you don’t let them have.

5. Reflect on all the times you allowed Mom guilt to change/cancel plans or make a big decision for you… what were the results? Did it really make a huge difference on the well being of your child? What impact did it have on YOUR well being?

6. You ARE enough. You ARE the best Mom to your child. Their love for you is unconditional. Leaving them in daycare, with a nanny, a relative, etc. is NOT going to have a negative impact on their development. This is true whether it’s for the day while you’re at work, or a few hours while you’re running errands, getting your nails done, taking a walk, having date night. Take it from me- our son has been in daycare since he was 5 months old and he is thriving. Have we dropped him off at daycare and gone to the beach? Guilty. Have I dropped him off at daycare and gone for a facial? Yes. Have we left him with Grandma and gotten ourselves a hotel for the night? Many times. Have I left him with Dad from the moment he woke up and came home after bedtime? Yeah. And he’s okay.

I hate to get all “it’s a mans world” on here, but I have this suspicion that Mom guilt was a way to suppress women and it has worked like a charm. It’s a double edged sword- either you allow Mom guilt to control you or you feel guilty for not feeling more guilty. Cannot win.

So I ask you, Mom, to join me in a fight against Mom guilt. Are you going to feel it? Yes. But should it hold you back from becoming the best, healthiest, happiest individual? No.

For all the Moms who’ve survived or are currently battling with postpartum depression- please do not allow Mom guilt to keep you from making and keeping plans and giving into self-care. This made a huge difference in my ability to survive PPD. If you have questions, want to connect, need support, please reach out to me or someone you trust. You can message me on social media or email me (asimplecitylife@gmail.com). ❤️

That first shopping trip I mentioned. H&M of coarse.