A day out in Brooklyn Bridge Park with my newborn- being outside saved me at that time. I will never forget how scared I was of taking this picture because I was certain I’d drop him. As soon as the picture was taken, I immediately placed him back in his stroller- where we remained 95% of the time we left our home. I was constantly thinking of the worst and imagining it happening. 

*Toxic positivity: the overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state that results in the denial, minimization and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience.

“Don’t you just love the newborn stage?” “I miss the newborn stage so much!” “Enjoy it while it lasts- it goes by so quickly!”

I dreaded hearing those words. It seemed like any time I went out in public, I’d hear those words; from strangers, friends, family, etc. I don’t blame them- I find myself saying those words to other Moms myself because that’s what we say to new Moms in society.

Before I gave birth- I had a vision of what the newborn stage would look like and I also imagined what it would feel like. When I gave birth, what I thought would happen didn’t and I had no choice but to embark on a journey I was not prepared for. The truth? I hated the newborn stage. I said it. It had nothing to do with how my newborn was (perfect of coarse), but it had everything to do with me. Baby blues is what I chalked it up to, but in hindsight (always so 20/20), I believe that was the first sign of postpartum depression for me. I can even trace the feeling back to my 3rd day in the hospital; a cloud appeared over me and brought haziness to my life that took over a year to clear. I remember sitting in my hospital bed on that morning and feeling the heavy pressure of needing to nap when baby naps, pump when I’m awake but also make sure to walk enough for my c-section recovery, attend a nursing class (since I was failing miserably), feed my baby, etc. etc. etc. It all felt so HEAVY and a voice in the back of my mind said “I don’t want to do this. I can’t do this. I will not survive this.” 

This voice remained with me for a very long time- every time I’d hear “don’t you just love this newborn stage?” the voice in my head would scream “NO! I hate this stage and want it to go by faster!” In my mind, I thought once my newborn became an infant, the hazy cloud would clear and I’d feel better, but that didn’t happen. Instead, my anxiety and depression grew deeper and deeper. I dreaded being left home alone with my newborn, I hated the anxiety, I hated the unknown. What if he started crying and I couldn’t get him to stop? What if I dropped him? What if someone somehow broke into our apartment and I couldn’t defend him? What if he died from this or that? What will I do when he falls asleep and I’m left alone with my thoughts? These are the things that constantly ran through my mind. And the hardest thing during this time was not being able to share with anyone the things I was feeling and thinking. How could I tell those who seemed to have loved the newborn stage that it was awful for me? That I was walking in what felt like a dream completely unable to connect with myself? If I had to describe that time in my life in a sentence, it would be that it felt like I was watching my life from above and unable to connect with the person living it. I was a complete stranger to myself.

Of coarse, there were many days of joy, love, laughter. I loved watching my husband flourish as a Dad. I loved watching our son meet his milestones and I loved being a new family of 3- but that hazy cloud was always there, rearing it’s ugly head and threatening to bring a storm I would drown in. Occasionally I’d say to a friend or two that the newborn stage wasn’t my “favorite,” but I tried to make it seem casual and not at all what I was actually feeling. This was a hard and lonely time; to feel like you’re the only Mom in the world who isn’t connecting with this stage and isn’t feeling those intense positive emotions that everyone seems to experience and talk about.

Now that I’m through it and the cloud has cleared, I do believe the newborn stage is so sweet and full of wonder. I imagine that I will enjoy it the next time around because I have accepted the loss of self, identity and independence and am finding ways to embrace my new identity–Mom. This was not something I was at all prepared for the first time around because I didn’t know these things could happen. I’ve never heard anyone say how difficult this could be emotionally and mentally- I only knew about the sleepless nights, crying baby, lack of showering– and that is what I prepared for. My reality? I slept well for the most part, my baby slept 24/7 (no, like for real), I showered regularly and the only one crying was me. I was not prepared for the heavy emotional and mental toll and that is why I share my journey; so that others can be prepared for all possibilities.

Some may read this and not connect at all- that is great for them! I truly believe there are Mom’s who have never experienced any sort of baby blues, or did so very briefly, and to them the thought of being depressed as a result of giving birth is strange and shocking. But to those who read this and do connect- hang in there. Don’t allow yourself to think that you are a bad Mom just because the emotions you’re experiencing are different than the emotions you thought you’d experience. Society has a way of making it seem like if you don’t feel XYZ, you are not normal. The reality is, you may need a bit of help, someone to talk to. I also believe, at least for me, if only I KNEW more about postpartum depression and anxiety, I would have been more prepared to recognize it when it started happening to me and gotten help quicker. That is my purpose in speaking up, to spread awareness and normalize the fact that PPD is REAL and happens to more Mom’s than we think. It is OKAY to admit and talk about the difficult parts of parenting. It isn’t ALL joy and baby cuddles and whatever else we see on social media.

What I want you to know is having PPD is not the fault of Mom- it isn’t something you did or didn’t do. It isn’t something you got because you’re a bad Mom- it is the result of so many things, but mostly, a hormonal imbalance caused by this major life change. Don’t try to do this alone- talk to someone, speak to your significant other, ask a friend you trust to help you, seek therapy. Sometimes the journey to recovery will be quick, and sometimes it will take a long time, but the work of recovery is worth it for your sake and the sake of your child. Don’t suffer in silence.

All in all, if you don’t/didn’t like the newborn stage, it’s okay! It is a hard stage, especially if you don’t have a supportive partner and/or your baby is colicky, has reflex, etc. Even if your baby is 100% perfect, the stage isn’t perfect for all. There doesn’t need to be a reason to not enjoy something just because everyone else “seems to” enjoy it. It doesn’t automatically mean you are experiencing PPD. Baby blues are also a very real thing and SO MANY Moms experience them- in fact, it is more common to experience baby blues than not. From what I’ve read and learned, once you find a routine with your baby (typically around month 3-4) and life settles down a bit, baby blues go away. If they do NOT go away, that is a major sign that you have postpartum depression and/or anxiety and you should seek treatment. 

Above all else, you are the best Mom for your baby- regardless of how you feel about a stage. You LOVE your baby and that’s what matters. 

I was about 37 weeks pregnant here and so oblivious to what was ahead!